There was no newsletter on Monday from me. Every Monday I send a newsletter without fail. I would love to make up an excuse for this, but my trademark brutal honesty won’t let me.
The reason is, I was creatively blocked, blocked by fear. And more specifically, paralyzed by the fear of rejection and failure.
You see, I’ve been keeping a close eye on my ‘unsubscribed’ numbers for this newsletter and taking it personally. I’ve been fixating all week on what I could be doing wrong.
Am I overwhelming readers with too much information? Is the way I write off-putting to some? Am I too ‘instructional’ and not giving enough heart?
The truth is, I love writing these newsletters. Writing is right up there with singing when it comes to sharing and expressing my creativity.
I go into a soft, lush realm when I do, and I lose track of time. The same happens when I create online singing resources for you, teach, and, of course, when I sing.
It’s an absolute joy, and it takes me out of these sticky, worldly events we are all experiencing at the moment.
So, I asked myself: Should I stop doing something I love just because it doesn’t resonate with a few people?
And, of course, the answer is no.
I realized that not everyone is going to like what I have to say. Or the way I say it. And that’s OK. Because that’s just being human. We are all on our journeys, learning our unique lessons.
We’re also in a world where there is so much noise. And there are so many teachers coming into our inboxes. The beauty is we can pick and choose who’s voices we let in.
I now take comfort in the fact that whoever needs to hear any of my messages will. And when they move on, that’s their time done learning with me. And who knows, maybe at some stage they will come back. But it’s OK if they don’t.
Naming Your Fear: What’s stopping you from doing the things you love?
Through ‘journaling out loud’ – I do this with my close friends (if they are in the right space for it) – I discovered that ruminating over people not liking my work was a deep fear of rejection.
In my younger incarnation, I was always on the outer for being too different.
When I learned early on that I could sing and perform and receive positive praise from people, I would crave this validation because it made me feel safe.
In even a tiny positive exchange, I received what felt like love and acceptance.
So, if my inner child is always looking for “belonging” through receiving validation from others, can you see how losing subscribers to my newsletters challenged me in a big way?
I feel fortunate that I have the tools to work through these belief systems, and it didn’t stop me in my tracks for too long.
But in the past, this same faulty navigation system saw me give up singing and performing for a large chunk of my young adulthood.
I stopped doing what I loved because I felt as though I shouldn’t. I wasn’t good enough.
When I decided to get back on the horse and study music, I auditioned for the jazz voice undergraduate degree at the Queensland Conservatorium of Music.
In the audition, I received a lukewarm response about my voice and musicality. This feedback even included you're “too awkward” and “too old” for a jazz career. I was only 27. And now I know that my awkwardness is my charm. Toot, toot!
I ran down to the Brisbane river and sobbed. I didn’t even bother to go back and sit for the theory exam component of the audition.
In retrospect, this was the best thing that could have happened to me. I ended up going to the best jazz university in Australia – Jazz Music Institute – and learned from world-class heavyweights in the industry. I am now also a fixture in our jazz community and get to play all the time with my talented mates.
Ironically, I ended up going to the Conservatorium to complete my Masters’ degree.
There was a real opportunity here to give up just because someone didn’t like me. And I thank God that I soldiered on with this musical career path.
I didn't always receive positive praise throughout my degrees, but I learned to take on board what was constructive and ditch what felt subjective.
Fear of Rejection and Failure
What I learned this week is these two fears work in tandem with each other. We don’t even try making our art (or sing) because we are scared about making mistakes. And ultimately, we fear being ‘seen’ in our artmaking and then being rejected for it. Oof! They’re big ones, aren’t they?
The good news is, there’s a myriad of tools you can use to work on reframing your beliefs around this. But for now, the best step forward is to name these fears out loud. Talk to someone about it. Journal it. And sing about it! This is a newsletter for a later date, but it's actually fun to make mistakes when you're developing your singing voice and style.
But more importantly, know that you are not alone. We all experience these fears. We’re all human, after all.
Lots of love
Mel X
P.S. Have you got your Fearless Singer Kit yet? You can get it here.
